


are our hearts still in the same place?

by bigeunbi



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Complicated Relationships, F/F, First Love, Mentions of Sex, Missed Opportunities, Mutual Pining, also sorry in advance i always write in lowercase now, friends to lovers to strangers, the friends to lovers to strangers bit is Very Important Information
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-10 10:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18658768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigeunbi/pseuds/bigeunbi
Summary: sooyoung and haseul navigate their past, present, and future.





	are our hearts still in the same place?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my life revolved around you until it didn't anymore.

haseul exits the courtroom with her briefcase tight in her hands. today's trial is finally over and done with; there's nothing she's looking more forward to than a glass of red wine and watching the newest episode of her drama in the comfort of her home. the end of the trial leaves her feeling gross, especially after going up against a particularly stubborn and hardheaded prosecutor, it would be nice to clean off the sweat and let her muscles relax under a hot shower. she deserves that much.

she raises her hand to wipe the sweat from her face, but stops short when someone in a pressed suit approaches her.

 _uh oh._ it's the director of her law firm. haseul straightens immediately.

"hello, sir."

"miss jo! i came to see your trial, excellent work today," the man greets her with a nod, and she stiffly bows in return for his praise.

"i'm just doing my job."

"you've been nothing but good news ever since you joined the office. you're not just doing your job, but you're going above and beyond what you need to do," the director gestures for her to walk with him towards the exit, and haseul follows without another word. "mr. jeong says you're one of the best attorneys he's ever worked with, and he's been working for my team for as long as you've been alive. it's higher praise than anything i could say to you."

"he's exaggerating," haseul answers humbly, "mr. jeong is known to be quite the storyteller."

"nonsense!" he laughs loudly and she's afraid he's going to attract too much attention on them, "mr. jeong is one of my trusted investigators and i trust him. if he says you're one of the best, then you're one of the best, miss jo."

her cheeks start to grow warm. the director's compliments keep coming, and haseul isn't sure if she's grateful that she's been noticed by the director or embarrassed at the fact that her investigator partner keeps talking her up like she's some big-shot. which she isn't, anyway. at least, she doesn't think she is.

in the grand scheme of things, haseul's only just started to get her name out there. after landing an open position with an acquaintance of a professor who was particularly fond of her during law school, she's moved up from being a no-name defense attorney to being some kind of reputable civilian representative. it's exactly everything she's ever wanted to be: a protector of the people, helping the innocent stay out of jail and locking the criminals away. she's just doing what her job description and moral compass tell her to do, which doesn't warrant all the praise she receives from her senior lawyers in her mind.

as much as she'd like to think she was some spectacular attorney, she couldn't possibly accept the compliments so readily. staying humble is important.

they step outside of the courthouse and as soon as they're in sunlight, the director turns to face her. "how about we go out for dinner tonight?" he offers. haseul squints as she tries to look at him, the sun's rays making it hard to focus on his face. "we'll invite the whole office to celebrate your victory today."

before she can object to his invitation adamantly, the director is already leaving the premise and getting into his car. he's waving at her joyfully, exclaiming how he'll see her later tonight and will make sure everyone in their office knows about the plans. she's left standing at the foot of the courthouse steps with wide eyes and an exasperated expression because, well—what just happened here?

she lets out a groan. so much for relaxing at home.

 _all of this for just doing my job_ ... _i'll watch that new episode tomorrow so wait for me, han wootak, i'll see you then..._

haseul makes her way to her car, pulling her phone out from her blazer's pocket to thumb through her contacts. she finds jinsol's name among her contacts and presses _call_.

"hey, sol? get ready, the director wants to go out for drinks tonight..."

 

 

 

incheon international airport is all sorts of confusing and labyrinth-like. sooyoung isn't surprised she can hardly navigate the place, much less find the meeting spot that jungeun had told her to wait at that was literally right in front of her the entire time. after spending nearly an hour wandering around like a lost fool, she ends up back where she exited the boarding gate and spots the woman standing across the ways from her.

sooyoung smiles widely in relief seeing her face. jungeun waves at her lazily. she stops in front of her to let go of the suitcases and hug her tightly.

jungeun smirks at her, "about time you noticed i was right in front of you."

"you could have said something, jerk."

"and miss out on the clueless look on your face? no way, i'm letting you make a fool of yourself at every chance i get."

"how rude. that's not how you treat your ex after not seeing each other for a couple of years."

"you're the one who had to stay back in LA," jungeun points out, shrugging. she steps back to take sooyoung's suitcases from her and starts rolling them away. "come on, i got the car waiting for us." 

"you have a hot ride now, kim jungeun? i'm impressed."

"i had to buckle up and learn how to drive at some point. no pun intended."

sooyoung snorts at the joke. 

jungeun leads her through the airport, making their way through the various long hallways without having any trouble remembering what turn to make or where she might have parked her car. there are a number of people who turn their heads when she passes them, catches faint whispers about how such a pretty woman is sharing the same space as them. she smiles at them briefly, waving a little, and they squeal when they realize she'd heard them.

"you're popular as ever," jungeun comments once they make it to the airport's garage, "i thought you were some fluke when we were back in LA, but i guess you're the talk among strangers here, too."

"i can't help it if i'm beautiful. are you jealous?"

"please. you're _literally_ a loser."

"shhh," sooyoung joking puts a finger to her lips like she's got a secret to keep, "don't let anyone else know. i can't have them thinking i'm less than perfect."

jungeun ignores her in favor of stopping in front of a red car. she has keys in her hands and in the next second, a sound goes off to alert them that the vehicle has been unlocked. she opens the truck with the press of another button and grunts as she lifts sooyoung's suitcases into it.

"jesus," she mutters, "what did you pack in here?"

sooyoung helps herself to the passenger's seat while jungeun loads the trunk. "the bars of gold i smuggled from america."

"then you better be paying me with them. that was more than i lift at the gym."

"i'll pay you in drinks tonight," sooyoung offers her with a charming smile, "like old times. how about it, _ashley?_ "

"i thought i told you to stop calling me that."

"you know you love it. that's a yes, right?" 

 

 

 

drinking with her co-workers is really not so bad, but haseul is also three bottles of soju into drunkenness thanks to her boss, so maybe it's a _little_ bad if she thinks hard enough about it. drinking with co-workers means that you can't say no when there's something offered to you, especially by the director, so haseul downs each shot as they come without a word.

it isn't so bad when she doesn't have to foot the bill at the end of the night. it _is_ bad when she's going to have to go to work with the worst hangover tomorrow morning.

from beside her, the director is proudly telling the rest of their staff about her various accomplishments from the past four years. the more flushed his face gets, the louder his voice. haseul grimaces as she plucks a piece of barbecue meat off of the grill to eat.

"i'm so proud to call you mine, miss jo! if you ever leave us for another firm, i'll make _sure_ no one will hire you!" he says that jokingly, but something about his words hits her wrong and she tries to laugh it off. 

"don't worry, sir, i'm not going anywhere," she fakes a smile as best she can. it works, because the director is grinning from ear to ear and is going on about how everyone else should be working as hard as she is.

another half bottle of soju later, haseul is starting to feel dizzy. she looks down at her phone, eyeing the time across the top of her lockscreen. glancing up to see everything happening around her, she decides it's the best time to get some fresh air while the director is preoccupied with another one of the lawyers across the table.

haseul stands up from her seat and bows to everyone. "i'm going to get some air," she gets out in between heavy breaths. though she wobbles on her feet a bit, she manages to keep herself steady.

jinsol, from the other side of her, gently rests her hand on haseul's and looks at her with concern. even when her vision is a little cloudy, the way jinsol's eyebrows arch upwards so drastically is endearing. 

"want me to come with you?" she asks haseul.

"i'm good, sol. don't mind me," haseul nudges her head in the director of their boss, "you should stay back to make sure he doesn't get too crazy."

"... alright," jinsol takes the bait, "i'll check on you in a few minutes, okay?"

"i won't be too long."

haseul pulls her hand from jinsol's, taking her leave. jinsol's hand falls slack in her lap. 

 

 

 

sooyoung doesn't remember if jungeun is an alcoholic tank or if _her_ tolerance has gotten worse after all the time spent in america. is jungeun just as red in the face as she is? she squints to get a better look of her face.

there's a lack of red on those cheeks. sooyoung's not satisfied with this. 

"you aren't drunk enough!" she shoves a shot glass in jungeun's face, "drink! drink!" 

jungeun throws her head back to take the shot, disregarding everything about the proper etiquette of drinking with people older than her. she's always been the type to say _fuck you_ to the powers that be. it's one of her more charming personality traits; sooyoung's always liked that about her.

she gulps back another soju shot. they finish up a bottle and sooyoung starts working on opening the next one with clumsy fingers and a clammy grip.

"america's made you weak," jungeun comments while sooyoung's pouring her another shot. it's almost unfair how sober she seems right now. "you can barely hold your alcohol anymore."

"i'm not that bad. i just—" sooyoung stops. she covers her mouth with a hand, takes a second to let the lurching feeling of something coming back up settle before she speaks again, "need to pace myself. maybe i should get some air." 

despite half of her words slurring together, jungeun seems to understand and stands up. she's moving to stand beside sooyoung's chair in the next moment, helping her get on her feet. sooyoung is aware of the warmth that comes from jungeun's hand at the small of her back. it's been a long time since she's felt the tingling sensation that comes with jungeun's touch.

"listen," jungun starts, draws circles onto the back of sooyoung's hand, "take your time, i'm not going anywhere."

"thanks ashley," she gives a warm, closed-eye smile back to her, then meanders her way over to the exit. some fresh air would be nice to help her forget the way jungeun's gaze never wavers from hers.

_"...i told her to stop calling me that..."_

 

 

 

nightlife in seoul is lively as ever. it's the middle of the week and still, there are people going out for drinks and having late night barbecue just like haseul. there really must be a god out there if everyone is getting wasted tonight only to go into work tomorrow morning like nothing happened. she'd like to know why god's never helped her out at all, considering all the hangovers she's had to nurse the day after all the office drinking nights.

it's _so_ unfair. 

she takes in the fresh air with a long inhale, letting it fill her lungs up and exhales as slowly and evenly as she possibly can. at least standing outside for a little bit will help her sober up. 

 _"oh shit—"_  

haseul chokes on her own breath, startled out of her mind by the sound of someone cursing loudly and tripping over the restaurant's door. she coughs until she can breathe again, wipes her mouth with the back of her hand before turning around to see where the commotion is coming from. there's someone stumbling drunkenly towards her.

her first instinct is to reach her arm out in case the stranger needs it, but they make it towards her without tripping again.

"you alright?" if _she's_ drunk, then the stranger is most definitely wasted.

it's a woman's voice that says _i'm fine_ , and haseul sighs in relief. even though there's ample room outside of the restaurant, that woman decides to catch her breath right there next to her. she's feeling particularly friendly, but maybe that's the alcohol doing something to her. there's nothing wrong with some small talk though, is there?

"getting a little crazy tonight, huh? what's the occasion?"

"i just came back into the country," the woman says after a hiccup, "a friend's treating me."

"how nice of them. welcome back to korea, i guess?"

"yeah... thanks." 

silence falls between them after that. it's awkward now that they stop talking, but haseul doesn't want to make the first move to start up conversation again. she stretches her arms out over her head, working out the kinks in her shoulders. a small noise leaves her lips as she feels the satisfaction of the tension leaving her muscles.

it's about time she heads back to the table inside. her director has probably noticed how long she's been gone for by now, and she's sure jinsol is going to come out looking for her soon. she dreads the thought of having to sit through another round of soju. is there a way she can stall for more time? haseul glances beside her, taking note of the stranger's profile view. something about the other woman's aura gives her the impression that she can talk to her easily, like an old friend.

(of course, it could be the alcohol making her think that.)

haseul lets herself have another moment outside. just another five minutes.

"what were you doing overseas?"

"went to college, med school, and all that boring stuff in america."

"hm. i had a friend who left to go study in america for the same reasons."

"they must have gotten through it better than i did," the stranger laughs dryly. haseul finds the sound rather charming. "that was the toughest shit i've ever had to do." 

"i can relate," she retorts back, smiling wryly while thinking of her university days, "the worst thing about being a lawyer is going through law school."

"that was my best friend's dream growing up," the other woman laughs, "she wanted to be a lawyer so bad. i thought she was lame for it."

"it's a small world, that was my childhood dream. is it really that lame?"

"it totally is."

they fall back into silence again. haseul feels odd, like something about this conversation feels _too_ right. she's been insulted by this drunk stranger and yet she's not offended in the least. she blames it on the alcohol still in her system, making everything from her vision to her judgement cloudy and hazy. everything about this conversation has too many coincidences for her to ignore.

haseul, as a lawyer, naturally starts to overthink the situation as much as possible.

the longer they sit in silence after that conversation the longer she has to go over the details, and the more she starts to believe this is exactly the person she's thinking of.

they speak up at the same time.

 

"you remind me of that friend."

"you're a lot like that friend."

 

the stranger is looking at her, eyes red from intoxication and haseul can see parts of her features better now that she's facing her. everything from her eyes to her nose and her lips seems the same as the person she's imagining in her head. how likely is it that her childhood best friend, who had left her for america for ten years, would come back and be at the exact same barbecue restaurant as her right now? 

how likely is it that she's even _right_ in the first place?

 _think about it,_ she tells herself, _how can just a few coincidences make you so sure? you're supposed to make conclusions with concrete evidence, nothing circumstantial. lots of korean people go to study medicine in america... it's not strange you met someone who falls into the stereotype tonight._

"you're looking at me weird," the stranger points out. haseul keeps staring anyway.

she really does look like the ghost from her past. despite the facts proving against the identity of this stranger, haseul sure as hell wants to believe that this is _her_ in the end.

"so what if i am?" she asks, daringly, inching closer. the stranger doesn't step away. eventually, they've closed the space enough where their arms brush against each other. her throat goes dry when she looks at the stranger's face. 

her eyes flicker down to red lips. in the next moment, she's not sure who makes the first move. 

they lean in, lips finding each other in a slow kiss. even _this_ feels familiar to haseul. every instinct that argues this woman she's kissing couldn't possible be her childhood best friend gets tossed out the window. 

when she pulls back, she keeps a hand on the woman's shoulder and bites the corner of her lip.

"want to head back to my place...?"

 

 

 

the conversation at the restaurant leaves suspicion pooling in the pit of sooyoung's stomach alongside lust, and she prays to whatever deity that watches over her in the heavens that this is exactly the person she wants it to be the most. when she's asked to go home with the stranger, sooyoung goes with her gut instincts and follows her lead without a second thought.

it's when they're halfway through the bedroom door and tripping over each other's feet when sooyoung's suspicions are confirmed, the sound of her name rolling off of the other woman's tongue so naturally. it sends a shiver up her back.

_"sooyoung..."_

it's definitely haseul. 

haseul's knees hit the edge of her bed. sooyoung pushes her down, straddling the other woman's hips with her legs and kisses her. the way haseul reciprocates, a stray hand finding its way around the back of her neck and pulling at her hair, is what makes her believe this dream is reality.

they have to make up for lost time. the way haseul pulls sooyoung's hips forward to slot her leg in between her thighs is a confirmation that she thinks the same, too.

they don't speak to each other the entire night, but haseul and sooyoung can keep up a conversation only they can hear without a single word. their eyes do the talking for them instead, exchanging fleeting glances and long, heated gazes on each other while letting their hands and lips wander. each little sigh that escapes from their lips a sign to keep going, following the burning sensation that starts from the pits of their stomach and blazes upwards.

sooyoung presses her lips to haseul's neck in an open-mouth kiss, letting her teeth sink gently onto her pulse point. she feels eager fingers clutching the front of her blouse and pulling her in closer, allows herself to be roped into haseul's gravity and stay in her orbit. sooyoung leaves kisses across her neck, earns a content sigh from haseul after every other kiss. it's been a long time since they've felt this: the comfort that comes with being in each other's presence, the tingling sensation that runs up sooyoung's spine when haseul's nails dig into her shoulder blades, the warmth of sooyoung's body flush against hers.

there's a shift in the bed as sooyoung lifts her head to kiss haseul with full lips, red cheeks, hasty breaths that mix with hers. haseul tastes like everything she's left behind and everything that she's ever wanted. she doesn't dare pull away from haseul. a part of her is scared that this will come to an end too soon, and sooyoung doesn't want this to stop.

 _"sooyoung,"_ haseul whimpers under her touch, _"i..."_  

she doesn't let her finish the thought. sooyoung kisses her so hard that haseul forgets how to say anything else. the way their mouths move together is her own way of returning the sentiment without saying it because they're never said that three-worded sentence before. this doesn't feel like the right time for it.

breaking away to get air back into her lungs, she brings a hand up to rake through her hair, and then does the same to the woman under her. haseul is completely dazed, her cheeks flushed, catching up to all the adrenaline and euphoria she's been missing out on all this time. they lock eyes, and neither of them dares to look away first.

ten years apart and neither of them have forgotten what it feels like to be completely lost in each other. 

 

 

 

 _("stop being so tense. you're making_ me _nervous."_  

_"i can't help it, i've never done this before."_

_"well, neither have i."_

_"i kind of expected you did already..."_

_sooyoung makes a face. "with who? the boys in our school are gross."_

_"i don't know," haseul shrugs, "you just seem like you've done this with someone special already."_

_"if i did you would have been the first one to know," sooyoung flicks her forehead. "besides, you're the only special someone i'd do this with."_

_their first time together is clumsy. it takes haseul a long time to get used to the feeling of wandering hands and another body laying beside her in bed. she's uneasy for the most part, but sooyoung rubbing her back and holding her hand tightly in hers keeps her grounded._  

_sooyoung takes care of her gently like she's something precious, and she returns the favor in kind. it's blissful the first time and dreamlike each time after that. if it's a dream, haseul wouldn't want to wake up even if her life depended on it. not if it means she'll wake up and sooyoung is gone._

_that's what she's afraid of most: when sooyoung isn't there anymore.)_

the next morning, haseul is the first one awake.

she opens her eyes to see sunlight streaming through the window behind sheer curtains. blinking several times to get the sleep out of her eyes, she stretches her arms over her head to get the soreness in her shoulders squared away. haseul lets out a soft grunt as she sits up, bringing the blanket up to cover her chest.

beside her in the bed, sooyoung's face is buried in her pillow. she's snoring lightly and haseul can't stop herself from smiling slightly at the all-too-familiar sight. she pulls the blanket up over the other woman's bare shoulders before she moves out of the bed. she decides she'll make breakfast now that she's awake.

hopefully sooyoung doesn't expect anything remotely fancy or thoughtful. the most effort haseul feels like putting in is making eggs two different ways and maybe offering up a variety of drinks (bloody marys included as an option, if sooyoung wants to drink her hangover away with more alcohol); even then, sooyoung's favorite eggs are poached and already it feels like too much. 

poaching eggs is an art she had years to master, at least. they're a pain to make but trial and error after a childhood spent making them for sooyoung has trained haseul into being a master. 

she's waiting for the pot of water to boil on one stovetop while preparing an iron skillet on another, getting ready to fry an egg for herself. haseul hums idly while she cooks, paying more attention to water barely bubbling than what's going on around her.

"you cut your hair." 

haseul turns her head to see the other woman leaning against the kitchen wall by the hallway entrance, long black hair swept over her shoulder and down her front against an oversized sweater she's put on. she tries not to follow sooyoung's hair where it ends right around her waist and bare thighs (as if she hadn't gotten enough of the view last night), and keeps her focus on the task at hand.

"i did," she replies slowly, after a moment. she stirs the pot of water, wishing it'd boil by now.

"when did that happen?" 

"after my first attempt at the bar exam," haseul picks up the pieces of toast that pop out of the toaster. "i did it out of spite, but i felt better about it after i passed it the second time."

"i'm sorry that you had to take that monstrosity twice. it suits you, though. i like it."

"thanks..." haseul pauses, looks down at the pot of water, then turns her head over her shoulder, "sit down. breakfast is almost ready, and you'd be lucky if i don't break the egg yolks."

she watches the corner of sooyoung's lips curve up in amusement. "you remember how i like my eggs." 

haseul carefully spoons the delicate poached eggs over top the toast she's laid out on a plate. she holds her breath in for a second, flinching as the egg makes contact with the toast and god, she really hopes that yolk didn't break. "do you know how much longer this takes than scrambled or sunny side up? you're always so high maintenance."

"i'm not ha sooyoung if i'm low maintenance." sooyoung chuckles because she knows haseul isn't wrong. she takes her seat and haseul sits across from her.

"yeah, yeah, i know. some things never change."

"they really don't."

with a soft clap of their hands, they wish each other a good meal and sooyoung thanks her for the food. haseul nods, wordlessly beginning to dip her toast into the runny yolk of her fried egg.

it feels like old times.

 

 

 

breakfast is finished and haseul is washing the dishes. while she's busy cleaning up, sooyoung enjoys a cup of iced coffee while taking part in some sightseeing from haseul's apartment veranda.

she's taking in the fresh spring air, letting the breeze graze her skin and flutter through her hair. it feels like spring in seoul; she's missed seeing the flower trees along the han river, pretty pink flowers that remind her of all the things she's dearly missed while living out of the country for a decade. there's nothing like this back in los angeles.

it's funny how everything about spring makes her feel thoughtful, nostalgic. sooyoung starts to think about the past. her childhood memories are filled with dreams and promises for the future, impossible and possible goals that they made when they were young. sooyoung and haseul grew up with the determination that they could anything and everything they set their minds on.

_(they aren't any older than twelve or thirteen, just old enough to think on their own but young enough to still depend on adults. sooyoung and haseul earn the right to go out and play in the park down the street by themselves now, no adult supervision required._

_the sun is on its way to setting below the horizon, but it's still bright enough that they have no fear of wandering around by themselves. they're in their own world until they have to go home for dinner. they make a habit out of taking turns pushing each other on the swings._

_sooyoung normally goes first. haseul pushes her away with a grunt._  

_"what do you wanna do when you're all grown up?" she asks her._

_haseul answers, "i'm going to be like my dad."_

_"ew," is her initial reaction; then she blinks, eyes widening as soon as she realizes what she said. haseul pushes her particularly rougher this time. "sorry."_  

_"i want to help people like my dad does." she sounds so forthright, serious. sooyoung can even imagine the way haseul's brow must be furrowed and how she's got determination in her eyes. she thinks that's cute._

_"he's a lawyer, seulie. law school is really hard, right?"_

_"if i want to do it, then i can do it."_

_"wow," she laughs with a wide grin on her face, "for a second there, you were kind of cool."_  

_"i am cool," sooyoung can hear the offense in haseul's tone of voice, "i'm going to be a lawyer, and then when i'm rich i'll buy myself a house that has the perfect view of han river. just you wait and see."_

_"whatever you saaay..."_

_"so... what about you?"_

_"i want to be a housewife."_  

_"...you're serious?"_

_"i just wanna be at home and not have to worry about anything! doesn't that sound great?"_  

_she digs her foot into the ground to stop herself from swinging, then looks up and over her shoulder to take a look at haseul's face. the girl could catch flies with her mouth open that wide._

_"the look on your face is priceless, haseul, i can't—" sooyoung erupts into laughter, almost teary-eyed, and haseul pouts indignantly._

_"i-it's because you said that so confidently...!"_

_"i am serious! i'm going to be a housewife and i'm going to live my best life, too. maybe i'll even have my own apartment looking over han river."_

with you, _sooyoung wants to say, but unless haseul's a mindreader, she won't ever know that.)_

"an apartment with a perfect view of the river... you're living your dream," she comments idly. it must be nice to have that lawyer's salary.

haseul comes to stand beside her on the veranda. sooyoung shifts to the side so that there's room for her there. despite how much has passed, standing here like this with haseul by her side feels unchanged. their arms brush against each other slightly. they look out at the scenery before them, taking note of all the little things like traffic light changes and people crossing the street.

after taking a sip of her coffee, haseul asks her: "are you living yours?" 

sooyoung raises an eyebrow at the question. so she heard that comment earlier. remaining quiet, sooyoung distracts herself with a sip from her own drink, wallowing in the bitterness of watered down espresso (americanos are never good once the ice melts). the question leaves her in deep thought. _is_ she living her dream the same way haseul is living hers?

"you used to talk about wanting to be a housewife all the time," the other woman brings up a childhood memory. "i always thought that was a pretty lofty dream."

she smiles at the memory. "yeah, i know i talked up a big game. looks like that didn't work out for me, huh?" 

"30 isn't too late to find someone and get hitched, no matter what your mother probably thinks. you still have time."

"my mother thinks i'm going to stay alone and pitiful, it's the only reason she regrets sending me off to america. i could've been married and had a kid by now."

"she's not wrong about the alone and pitiful part."

she shoots haseul a sharp glare.

"you know i was joking."

"doesn't mean i'll forgive you for agreeing." 

"but seriously," haseul shifts so that she's leaning her side against the railing of the veranda, facing sooyoung with a questioning expression, "the ha sooyoung i know doesn't stop for anything or anyone. what's keeping you from living your best life?"

it _is_ unlike sooyoung's character to not simply grab whatever it is she wants and taking it for herself. what _is_ stopping her?

sooyoung debates on telling her a white lie, something innocent like she's just waiting for an opportunity to open up for her at work; she's a soon-to-be doctor after all, there's always hope for upward advancement, it wouldn't be unreasonable to say that she's just anticipating settling down in her career and achieving better financial stability. it's not all untrue, but it isn't the full truth either.

even if she tells her a lie, haseul has always been such a truth seeker that she would figure something was wrong. so sooyoung decides to tell haseul the truth, and nothing but the truth. 

"it's you."

 

 

 

sooyoung has brunch with jungeun later that week. she remains quiet as she pokes at her waffles, lost in her thoughts.

ever since she's crossed paths with haseul again, she's been thrown for all sorts of emotional loops. she's going through it, as jungeun so delightfully put it, and she doesn't like what she's going through. of course she wanted to see haseul the second she was back in seoul, but she didn't mean for their reunion to be like... this. it wasn't meant to be a drunken night together, a brutally honest confession and the biggest elephant in the room that could ever exist in her headspace.

she feels terrible about telling haseul she's the reason why sooyoung isn't a housewife living every woman's jobless dream. it's not haseul's fault at all that she's 30 years old, unmarried and childless, with nothing more than a promising doctor's career to her name, but at the same time it _is_ her fault.

even after all this time her feelings for haseul are still the same. her future is only worth something if haseul is in it. every time they talked about their dreams, sooyoung only thought about it in the context of haseul's.

haseul dreamed of being part of law enforcement and living in a house with the perfect view of han river. sooyoung wanted to be the housewife haseul could come home to.

if she'd been braver, she would have asked haseul to tell her not to go—asked her to say _stay, sooyoung, we can live the rest of our lives together._ if she'd been braver, haseul would have been sooyoung's a long time ago.

she groans loudly. 

jungeun doesn't bother to look up from her pancakes. "what's wrong?"

"everything."

"you wanna talk about it?"

"did i ever tell you that i loved you?" she asks, sounding incredibly serious. sooyoung decides it's a good time for a heart-to-heart, and who better to have a heartfelt discussion over brunch with than her ex-girlfriend?

jungeun smiles. "nope."

"not even once?"

"not even once."

"damn," realization dawns on sooyoung's face, "i must have been a terrible girlfriend."

they spent more time sleeping together as friends with benefits than they actually did dating, but it still meant a lot to sooyoung. jungeun was her emotional support while she was homesick. maybe it was because sooyoung was feeling empty without haseul beside her side, or because jungeun happened to be another korean student on a visa studying at the same school, or maybe it was because jungeun reminded her of haseul in the little ways like waking her up for class and making her breakfast in the morning that she clung onto her the most.

their relationship ended as soon as it started. jungeun confessed to not feeling the same way for her, that the passion had fizzled out, on top of the fact that she had to fly back to korea much sooner than sooyoung, so they decided to end things there.

they promised to stay friends after that, and sooyoung's glad that they can talk frankly about their past relationship like this without it being awkward. 

"you were an alright girlfriend," jungeun admits with a mouthful, "but i wasn't expecting you to ever say _that_ to me, honestly."

"why?"

"you talked a lot about haseul. i put two and two together."

"...oh."

"you're so obvious. i can't believe you've never said anything to her. actually, i'm surprised _she_ hasn't said anything to you. are you guys that dumb?"

"that's so mean jungeun, stop calling her dumb."

"i'm not taking it back. you both know you love each other, right?"

sooyoung shrinks under jungeun's scrutiny. that's enough of an answer for jungeun to grow exasperated.

" _oh my god._ that's your damn problem, sooyoung. neither of you have said anything to each other and now you're stuck in this mess of uncertainty you made for yourselves. literally, this could have been solved years ago."

"you have a point there. and, uh, please stop pointing your fork at me, it's a little frightening."

jungeun looks down to see that she is, indeed, pointing her fork at sooyoung. she sets it down and holds her face in her hands, sighing frustratingly.

"you're 30 years old and you can't tell the love of your life your feelings for her. are we in some movie or drama? i feel sorry for haseul and i don't even know her."

"sometimes i feel like you know _too_ much..."

 

 

 

haseul ruminates over sooyoung's confession every minute of her day after their reunion. it's the longest she's spent thinking about her since _The Separation_ a decade ago. for a while, she'd forgotten about it all thanks to how busy her life has been since then, but now that she's recalling it all again, it's starting to hurt like fucking hell.

 _The Separation_ is a vivid memory of a tearful goodbye, all of her missed opportunities coming together to throw her in for an emotional rollercoaster ride. there were things left unsaid for years, and for all the emotional turmoil she went through that day, she wonders if it was a good idea to have kept silent all this time.

 _("i have to go soon," sooyoung says, and haseul reaches out to pull the taller girl into a tight embrace. haseul hugs her like she's dear life. hell, sooyoung might as well_ be _dear life._

_she doesn't want to pull away. the minute she lets go, sooyoung has to get on that plane and fly thousands of miles away from her. she's been trying to come to terms with sooyoung's departure since she found out about the news, but it's harder for her to accept the truth for what it is as they count down the days together this last week._

_it's hard to imagine life without sooyoung. they'd always been together. to everyone around them, they were the neighborhood duo from the get-go, telling boys to back off of the younger kids and pick on someone their own size, the girls who would brag about the latest dolls and kids' make up they bought from the stationary stores that week even if neither of them could afford them, the only people that happened to matter in their world._

_but between each other, they were best friends who shared everything from first birthday parties to first day of schools, first innocent kisses across foreheads and cheeks and first not-so-innocent kisses between curious lips. they were always something a little more than best friends, but nothing close to being lovers or girlfriends or whatever it is that haseul wanted them to be._

_though unsure of when it started, haseul loved sooyoung. she may have never said it to her, but she did. she was certain of the fact. maybe it was too late to say anything at all. if she said something now, wouldn't it only be a burden on sooyoung's shoulders to carry with her all the way across the pacific ocean? she couldn't do that to her._

_so haseul, despite every part of her body wanting to scream "i love you" so loud that everyone at incheon airport could hear them, bites back her confession with a pout._

_"do you really have to go?" she asks instead._

_"what else am i going to do with these suitcases and these plane tickets?"_

_"stop trying to make this a joke. you know this is a big deal."_

_sooyoung pats her head, ruffling her hair in the process._

_"sorry, i have to tease you in our last moments. i won't be able to for a long time."_  

_nothing hurts more than the sound of acceptance in sooyoung's voice. sooyoung's words always give her the greatest joy and the greatest pain._

_she opens her mouth to say something, but gets interrupted by a cheery voice over the intercom._

_"attention passengers, flight 0524 to los angeles, california will begin boarding at gate 12... flight 0524 to los angeles, california will begin boarding at gate 12..."_

_sooyoung pulls away from the hug first. haseul feels the tears falling from her eyes._

_"i'll miss you, seul. take care.")_

to think that sooyoung tells her that she'd been the one holding her back from living her best life all this time is completely shocking. haseul is surprised and confused and most importantly, unsure of what that even _means_. as far as she knows, sooyoung's ideal life is to have nothing to do but laze around the comfort of her home; she's not sure how she could have been the one holding her back when she didn't do any holding on in the first place.

when sooyoung told her she was leaving for america, haseul told her to go. how is she the one at fault here?

"...haseul, are you alright?"

she looks up from her laptop screen, brought back from her thoughts by the sound of jinsol's voice. the blonde woman has a stack of papers in her arms ready to be set down on haseul's desk, but she's waiting for confirmation that she can do that. clearing her throat, haseul coughs into her fist and gestures for jinsol to put those documents down.

"sorry, i was a little distracted. what are these?"

"about five more cases need to be looked over," jinsol says while pointing her gaze at the growing pile of manila folders to haseul's side, "in addition to the other ten or fifteen you still need to go through... are you sure you're okay? you're normally on top of the workload." 

"i'll get them done, sorry that it's taking me so long. i know it's not easy on you when i'm behind..."

haseul reaches out to place her hand on top of jinsol's. jinsol squeezes her hand to let her know that she's not alone. she feels the other woman's pulse softly beating underneath her fingers and reminds herself that she's very lucky to have someone looking out for her.

despite her fleeting relationship with jinsol, their companionship has never wavered even after their break up and haseul greatly appreciates having that camaraderie. jinsol seems to understand when she's going through the first signs of distress, and her presence is all sorts of calming. they try not to show how close they are in the office, but sometimes it can't be helped. just holding the other woman's hand is helpful in keeping her sanity; no one does it quite like jinsol.

(now that she thinks of it, jinsol holds her hand like she's scared of what would happen if she lets go; sooyoung used to hold her hand like she was the only thing left on this world.) 

"if you need to talk, you know where to find me," jinsol reminds her. haseul smiles, small and soft, but nonetheless gives her the reassurance that she'll be just fine. she watches the other woman leave the room.

haseul dives right in to her workload, determined to forget everything about ha sooyoung. 

 

 

 

between getting settled at her new job and adjusting in her new suite, sooyoung doesn't have time to think about haseul for the next three months (thankfully) with how busy her new job is. she sees patients at some of the most irregular hours, anywhere from broad daylight to the dead of night; the stress of being an emergency room physician is a great toll on her physical health, certain, but she'd be damn if she isn't proud of her work when she saves a life. 

every day is busy, which makes it easier for her to forget about the big interpersonal relationship problems in another part of her life. if she stops to think about the issue, she'd realize how much time had pass since then.

but since she doesn't think about it, sooyoung fails to realize it at all.

she's back in her office after three hours in surgery, painfully exhausted from being at the hospital for nearly 16 hours. her stomach rumbles, and she could really go for _tteokbokki_ right now.

"good work today doctor," anesthesiologist park chaewon comes through her office doors with a white plastic bag in her hands, waving it cheerfully in front of her and smiling. "i ordered _tteokbokki_ , so take a break."

she sets the pen down on her desk and leans back in her swivel chair. "you must have been reading my mind." 

"i can," chaewon sets down the bag on the coffee and prepares their meal, "it just took me some time to get closer to you. you're new here, after all." 

"yikes, i'll keep my opinion of you to myself and out of my thoughts then."

"don't worry, _i_ don't care what you think."

"good to know." sooyoung takes her seat at the coffee table across from the other doctor. she picks up a pair of chopsticks and takes a look at the food in front of them. _tteokbokki_ has never looked so good before. "thanks for the food, doctor park."

"not a problem. treat me to food another day, okay?"

"sure, sure..."

as soon as sooyoung moves her hand, chopsticks ready to grab the first piece of spicy rice cakes calling her name, there's a hurried knock on her door. before she can answer, a male doctor rushes inside.

"doctor ha, we need you in the emergency room immediately. we have a patient from a traffic accident that just arrived."

she looks down at how close her chopsticks are to the _tteokbokki_ container. they haven't even gotten to touch the sauce yet, let alone a single rice cake. how disappointing. moving her gaze from the food to chaewon, the doctor doesn't seem surprised in the least.

she really shouldn't be either; this happens more often than not.

"doctor park, let's head downstairs. don't forget to cover the food up—i want to eat when we're done."

"of course."

just like that, it's another day where she doesn't have time to think about jo haseul.

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to the os gc who are super supportive!! y'all are so such big motivators for me to work on my fics and actually try to finish them. let's get this bread together!!
> 
> hit me up on twitter/curiouscat @bigeunbi


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